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Stupid headline thing; it was one character too short. Had to take the apostrophe out of "don't". Anyway... Howdy. You know, I hate everything that word represents, yet I'm frequently compelled to use it. Anyway, most of my friends are already on this site, so I've been coming here for a while now. As the quote I stole from Daria attests, I tend to be less than interested in most people my age. But that's to be expected, when you're as great as I am. I'm trying to decide if I should use this profile to talk about Star Wars, politics (hooray for extreme liberalism!), and other things I'm actually interested in but most readers probably aren't (thereby dooming my viewer ratings (edit - okay, I guess this part isn't really relevant now that the ratings are gone...oh, well), or if I should use it to talk about how much the other people on this site --most of them, anyway-- piss me off (thereby dooming my viewer ratings to an even greater degree, but giving me an excuse to claim bias when explaining my ratings to others). Man, that was a long sentence. Guess I'll just play it by ear. Sincerely, Mike Cooper (ever notice how many people on this site never actually say what their name is?) UPDATE: 6/28 - Some info on that jacket...why? Because I feel like it. A friend gave that jacket to me during summer camp when I was maybe 14 or so. Which means it's seven years old plus however long he had it. It's just barely big enough to be wearable, and as long as I don't grow anymore, I'll probably wear it for the rest of my life, or until it disintegrates right off my body. For some reason, I just really like how I look and feel when it's on. Plus, my mother and my friends all hate it. It's a good thing. UPDATE: 7/18 - Okay, for some reason that thing keeps saying my last modification was July 11th, even though I've done a bunch of stuff since then. Oh, well. Less than a month until I turn 21. Then I can finally...um...nevermind. Makes no difference. UPDATE: 7/26 - Added a new thing to the "why you suck" category. UPDATE: 8/1 - Almost two weeks til my birthday. My friend's taking me to this Chinese place in Canada, and my mother's taking me to Red Lobster. Free food rocks. UPDATE: 8/11 - Added a new section below - "Relationships". You probably don't care, but I don't wanna be one of those people who beats himself up every other sentence, so it's there anyway. If you don't care about my life, just stop reading. UPDATE: 8/22 - Not really anything to update about. Um...heat sucks. If not for my birthday, August would be a pretty crappy month. I'm filming a five-minute movie soon for an editing class. It's an interesting experience, to say the least. UPDATE: 8/27 - Took a couple lines out of the "About Me" part. Decided they sounded kinda trite. UPDATE: 9/8 - Added a bit to the "Comics" section. UPDATE: 9/29 - Being currently in the middle of a two-week break, my comic story has finally gone from the "formulating" stage to the "actual writing" stage. We'll see how it goes from here. UPDATE: 10/4 - Added "Movies" category. UPDATE: 11/24 - I have absolutely nothing to say. Thanksgiving soon. Hoorah. UPDATE: 1/30 - I'm going to a Super Bowl party on Sunday. Who the fuck would've thought that? Also, I've finally begun a LiveJournal, so further insight into my life will now be available there, should I manage to keep up with it. See link below. UPDATE: 2/17 - Added "Religion", fresh from my LiveJournal. UPDATE: 4/4/06 - Hey CampusHook, I've got a brilliant idea. How about letting me start a new goddamn paragraph?!

LiveJournal located at:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/cooper_tfn/ E-mail: cooper@theforce.net

Politics
I'll try a quick overview, so if this isn't your bag (whether due to opposing beliefs or lack of interest), try and hang on. Nader rules. Bush is an idiot. Democrats are pussies, my family included. Michael Moore is a national hero. Martha Stewart should be locked away forever. Pat Robertson is evil. And I don't just mean "he's religious, so I hate him." I mean he's EVIL. He's actually praying for the deaths of the Supreme Court justices that voted against the sodomy law. On a side note to the Nader thing - I'm living proof that you can support the (ironically-named) Green Party and not be a pothead (is that one word or two? Or hyphenated, maybe?). I've found the whole weed legalization thing is a great way to convince my fellow students to vote for Nader, but I personally don't really care if drugs are legal. Probably would help the economy, though.

Star Wars
I'm a dangerously obsessed Star Wars fan. In other words, not one of those cutesy "Dude, Yoda rocks!" people who's seen the movies a few times and has never actually given the saga deeper thought than to consider the fate of the Death Star construction workers. I can explain how hyperspace works. I know who Corran Horn, Kinman Doriana, Nom Anor, and Quinlan Vos are. I can (occasionally) dictate Greedo's lines in both languages. And if I haven't lost you yet, try this - I'm thoroughly enjoying the prequels so far. Ha! I guarantee you hate me now. I'm also a staffer at TheForce.Net, the most popular SW fansite in existence. You're all kinds of impressed, I'm sure.

Captain Grammar
My friend --um, associate-- Mike's nickname for me. I have a passionate interest in, and respect for, the English language. I often feel the need to comment on (comment upon?) my own sentence structure, as you've probably noticed by now. I also frequently feel the need to correct my friends' grammar and spelling, much to their displeasure (which probably has more to do with why I do it than any real interest in improving their English). I'm currently in art school, but if I could really be successful at it, I'd rather write for a living. Remember in high school English, when they taught you about the evils of sentence fragments and starting a sentence with the word "and" (probably not, but I digress)? It was bull****. I'm currently writing a story that I'd like to get made as a comic book eventually, though I've got about as much chance as our pet gecko does of getting anything published anytime soon.

Comics
As that last bit should've given away, I'm into comic books as well. They don't come much hipper than me, do they? Since I get most of my Star Wars books for free (long story), I pretty much hand over all of my money to Marvel every week (with a bit going to DC, Image, and Dark Horse every now and then). What I don't spend at Wendy's, that is. Also: Buy Y - The Last Man. ****ing great book. I'd plug Alias as well, but it's only got a couple issues left, so newbies would pretty much be stuck with the TPBs. Damn you, Bendis!!

Why You Probably Suck
And now, my piece de resistance. Like I said earlier, I've been browsing Campus Hook for a while now, and I've come to notice some disturbing, yet unsurprising, trends. Let's see how many members survive this: Good Charlotte and 50 Cent are entirely too popular. What is wrong with you people? "Oh, those Good Charlotte guys are so unique and rebellious! Good thing they can spread the truth about The Man through the small, unbiased indy scene that is TRL!" Not to mention that rock countdown thing, and whatever else they've been talked into hosting. 50 Cent I don't even want to get started on, but I will say this: despite my obvious Whiteness (capital W, folks), and Mike D's feelings to the contrary, I like to think I know a thing or two about good rap, and 50 Cent isn't it. Being drunk ain't that funny. I am by NO MEANS a Straight-Edger (or a SX#rr779@, or however the hell they shorthand it). In fact, I have almost as much of a problem with them as I do with the people I'm about to discuss. But I simply do not get college-age people's obsession with alcohol. When your Saturday nights revolve around drinking, that's not great, but it's acceptable. When all your nights revolve around drinking, that's definitely worrisome. When your SENSE OF HUMOR revolves around drinking, that's the final goddamn straw. "I'm not as think as you drunk I am!" That's so funny, I wanna ****ing shoot myself. It just seems to me there's so many more interesting, constructive, entertaining, and respectable ways people our age could be spending their time than sitting in bars talking about the awesome poster they saw at Spencer's that afternoon. Next time you're thinking about getting drunk, go out and graffiti a bus (upon reading the user agreement, maybe you shouldn't graffiti a bus...). Or protest whatever war Bush's got going that week. Or read Stupid White Men. Or something! l33t is for l0s3rz. l33t and any other type-based slang (sk8er boi; **** like that) are extremely annoying to me. It's only a matter of time before an entire generation of kids is brought up thinking that "u" and "you" are interchangeable. Okay, here's something new. Not necessarily a Campus Hook-related thing, but annoying nevertheless. Why do people have this constant need to define you? It's like no one wants to get to know other people individually, so they take the first opportunity they get to categorize you. I can handle insults. I can handle general meanness (is that a word?). But nothing aggravates me more than when someone who barely knows me jumps at the chance to fit me into some little ****ing box with a bunch of other people. I like Star Wars. Does that mean there's nothing more to my personality than that? Do I have to be "that Star Wars guy"? The only thing worse is the fact that most people out there will happily stick themselves into one of those boxes rather than try for two seconds to be their own person.

Sabrina Lloyd
...was really hot on Sports Night. Nothing's sexier than a girl who's turned on by intelligence.

Relationships
So I don't have a girlfriend. In the strictest sense of the word, I've never had a girlfriend. You're astounded, I'm sure. There was one girl I sort of hung around with for a few months senior year, but that didn't really go anywhere. Anyway...it's not that I'm a completely repulsive individual or anything (far as I know), I'm just not good at going out of my way for that kind of thing. I used to work for a chiropractor; part of my job was to go out and do surveys about people's spinal health, with the ultimate goal of signing them up for free trial appointments in the clinic. Even disregarding the BS involved, it was pretty much impossible for me; I hate the idea of bothering people I don't know, so walking up to strangers and asking them to take a survey was about the most frightening thing in the world for me. Why am I talking about this now? Well, imagine how stupid I felt asking strangers to spend five minutes on a survey, and think of how I'd react to the idea of going up to a girl and asking for a date. Yeah. Secondly, there's the matter of tastes. People tell me I'm too picky, and I don't really argue, but is it too much to ask that I have a girlfriend with whom I can stand to have a meaningful 10-minute conversation? As the rest of the stuff in this profile attests (hell, as the headline attests), I don't really get along with most people strictly on a friendship level, so it's quite rare that I come across someone I can actually picture myself in a relationship with. But when it does happen, good Lord, does it happen. In fact, I just recently got over an 18-month-or-so crush on an unbelievable girl whom I'd only even known from one class, two winters ago. What it took to finally put her behind me is best left unsaid (no, I didn't kill her). I tell myself that I'd have been more aggressive about it (read: aggressive at all) if she hadn't already been in a serious relationship when I met her, but it's probably not true. My roommate says it's laziness; I think of it as a pathological aversion to making an ass of myself. The reason I'm unloading all this, other than the desire to get on the "Updated Profiles" list and get more than one hit for the day, is because of something that happened this evening. My roommate (PittArtStudent) works for Men's Wearhouse, and I was his Plus One (thank you, Foggy) for this company picnic thing. A blues band was there, which I was enjoying mildly, and then this really nice-looking couple (looked like nice people, I mean) started dancing right in front of our table. Not real serious dancing or anything, either; it was just this sorta goofy-happy-having fun kinda thing. Since then, my mood's been pretty much shot. People give me **** about being a virgin, but to be honest, I could care less about having sex anytime soon. I just want someone I can be that happy with. Someone I can make fun of stupid people with. Someone who didn't decide to go out with me because I wear fancy ****ing shirts. I mention that last one to people and they look at me like I'm an alien. Am I too picky, or is everyone else too lenient?

Religion
Hmm...religion.....where to begin. Faith is like a glass of water...no, too Smithian. Prove to me that you love your father...no, too Saganistic. I personally prefer to call myself an Atheist, but depending on your point of view I might really be something of an Agnostic. I'm leaning pretty favorably toward the existence of souls, if only because there's got to be more to sentience than just a really evolved brain. If the only difference between my thought processes and a rabbit's is some extra brain cells, that's pretty disappointing. They say computers are quite rapidly approaching human intelligence levels, so if in 10 years or so some robot somewhere becomes genuinely self-aware, I guess that'll answer that question. In the meantime, I like to think there's more to it. Now, that's not to say a person's soul is truly divine in nature. Looking at religious phenomena through the ages, it seems like divinity is just mankind's way of rationalizing what it doesn't yet understand; be it lightning, floods, astronomy, or sentience. That said, maybe my "soul", the thing that makes me laugh, cry, and fall in love, is just the part of me that's governed by a form of energy that's beyond our current understanding. And the one thing everybody knows about energy is that it can't be destroyed, only changed from one form to another, which makes for a pleasantly vague, earthy sort of belief system if you ask me. When you die, your body breaks down and becomes a part of everything around it; so maybe your mind does, too. And say the energy that made up your mind goes on to eventually make up someone else's mind; that would be a sort of reincarnation, right? I've always liked the idea of reincarnation; if I had a choice between just sort of recycling myself over and over and spending eternity in someone's archaic idea of paradise, I'd easily take the former. What's the point of a painless existence? How would I know what joy was? Moving on (dear God, I've got more to say?), I don't really mind the fact that such a large amount of people believe in God. Humanity at large is the worrying sort, and while I like to think that it's possible for society to reach a point where blind faith is not a prerequisite of happiness, we ain't there yet. I just wish people could cool the **** off about things. I'm not exactly a theology scholar, but I don't think anyone's God would want people killed in their name. Especially not over a crappy little strip of desert or a woman's right to choose. Beliefs are fine, but as long as people keep reading "judge not, lest ye be judged" and interpreting it as "kill the queers", maybe, as Rufus says, it's better to just have ideas.

Movies
Lots of people have this, so what the hell. I'll just do my top three for now; maybe I'll randomly add more later on. 1. Moulin Rouge (**** you if you disagree) 2. The Empire Strikes Back (the devil, you say) 3. Spider-Man ('cause Empire alone just didn't look dorky enough) --------------------------- I guess that'll do for now; additions and/or edits will probably come later. If you're one of the two or three people on Earth who aren't bored or offended by what I've written here, by all means, message me. It'd be refreshing to know you're out there. No, really. You there; the one who's thinking "hey, this guy seems incredibly cool!" Send me a message, damn you!