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Greatest Fear?
Gene Shalit's mustache.

Special Talent
I know Kung Fu, karate and 47 other dangerous sounding words.

Britney Spears
What, you guys aren't into that acne-ridden, trailer trash, Wal-Mart-brand-herpes-ointment-using, pile of Pillsbury dough look? Lord knows I am....(shudder). I'm just happy she's finally accepted her role as America's new punchline. ...I heard she's gonna name her kid 'Cheeto'...any truth to this?

Flip Cup
America's most underrated drinking game as far as I'm concerned. I will murder any hopes you have of winning a flip cup face off with me. I chug like a damn moose......y'know, cuz moose are big...and like beer......um......MOVING ON...

Greatest Thing Ever
This never fails to seriously crack me up...watch, and enjoy... http://www.czabe.com/mediaclips/index.shtml?a=showclip&id=273 For more laughs, I definitely recommend the following: http://www.bitterfilms.com (Rejected is the greatest) http://www.doodie.com - Please try the 'whack your boss' game http://maddox.xmission.com www.tuckermax.com - GREAT reading material http://couchtaters.blogspot.com - great reading material. Not as good as Penthouse Forum, but still pretty good.

Quick Geography Lesson
- GEOGRAPHY OF THE WOMAN - Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas. Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash. Between 31 and 35 she's like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50 she's like Yugoslavia, lost the war; haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary. Between 51 and 60, she's like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future. After 70, women become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there. - GEOGRAPHY OF THE MAN - ...between 13 and death, a man is like Iraq...ruled by a dick.

Greatest Athlete of All Time
Jeff Cirillo...go Brew Crew.

Were you named after someone?
Nah, my dad thought of it while shaving. ........everyone get it who's gonna get it? Okay, moving on...

In five years...
I'll probably be very much the same...only an older, sexier version.

On Wisconsin...
It's like Siberia...with family restaurants.

Completely Random Thought...
I recently visited my doctor and all of his office plants were dead....this a bad sign?

I wonder...
...if Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound?

Free Wisdom From Berg
Time spent wasted is not wasted time.

Things that kick ass...
Women Beer Packer football The US of A, whoooo Drawing College Music Barbecues Books Frisbee Open Pantry coffee Brewer games Tailgating at said Brewer games Traveling/ Road Trips Europe Museums Popsicles Hoodie sweatshirts Rock concerts That buttery schmutz they put on movie theatre popcorn Playin' cards Jimmy John's sammiches Family Friends Snow The National Geographic Channel Chicken McNuggets (I've eaten 52 in one sitting...I know, amazing...who wants to touch me?) Beer Calvin and Hobbes Denny's breakfast (post-drinking Denny's is the best) Old Navy sweatpants 80s cartoons/movies Golf (I stink, but who cares) Roller coasters and waterslides Pizza Shuttle ESPN T-shirts The Onion Boats Swimming Fishing Camping Ben and Jerry's More drawing Tahitian Treat Really huge lists Adidas sandals Triumph the Insult Comic Dog The zoo Summerfest Drivin around for no other reason than just enjoyin the ride Harley-Davidson bikes Comedy Central Old-school Nintendo (Tecmo Bowl, anyone?) Ford cars (especially that new Mustang, hoochie moochie) Women

Choice Libation
Miller. Miller. Miller. Budweiser can try all it wants to brew the 'superior beer,' but I'm sorry, it still tastes like a bum's ass. Leinenkugel's is damn tasty, too.

4 out of 5 Dentists Recommend:
Me

Chopsticks
I'm convinced that the use of chopsticks is a giant practical joke on Americans, successfully executed by the Chinese population. Seriously, can anyone actually use these things effectively? Eating RICE with STICKS? C'MON! I can just see the chefs at various Chinese restaurants peeking out from behind the kitchen door, laughing as the stupid Americans try to eat with sticks. ...and y'know how we use miniature spoons to feed babies? What do you think they use to feed Chinese babies? Tooth picks? Hot damn, I'm on a roll.

On Being Drunk...
You have not had a true Berg experience until you've seen me drunk. It's a brilliant show. And kids, anyone who can successfully recall and tell a 'best drunk story' was certainly not drunk enough for it to actually be their 'best' story. Most of my better tales need to be told by those who were there to actually claim witness to these events. Whether it be drinking until I 'leaked' (great story, ask me sometime), to drunk-dialing my boss (in a Peter Griffin voice...hi-larious), to throwin' up off of balconies onto the neighbors' front porch below, to doing my best Crocodile Hunter impression while diving head-first into the neighborhood shrubberies lookin for random wildlife (I take special pride in that one)...even waking up on the floor with my head in a salad bowl and a piece of rye bread stuck to my face is always good evidence of a night well done. Drink it up people, drink it up.

The Mascot
My school has no sports team of any kind. It has no official colors or fight song. However, interestingly enough, we do somehow have a mascot; the Milwaukee Institute of Art and Design...River Rat. Yeah, you read that correctly. Seeing as the campus is off of the Milwaukee River, I guess they figured they'd just name us after the vermin that scamper about on the docks. WHOOOOO, GO RATS!

Television; friend, mother, secret lover...
Family Guy, Simpsons, Seinfeld, Scrubs, 24, SportsCenter, Futurama, The Tick, The Critic, SNL, SCTV, The Muppet Show (Swedish Chef is the man), Crocodile Hunter, MXC, Two Fat Ladies, Mystery Science Theater 3000, Rick Steves' Travels Through Europe (seriously, watch this show, this guy is mindblowingly lame, it's stupendous)

Babes
Kate Beckinsale- I love her like a fat kid loves cake. Katie Holmes- She's an idiot for gettin within 10 ft. of Dr. Tom Cruise, psychiatry extraodinaire, but, she's still cute. Jessica Simpson- Yes, she's as dumb as a box of hair...but she's a damn fine lookin box of hair. Jessica Biel - Giggity! Keira Knightley - Uber-babe. Rachel Ray from the Food Channel - I dunno why, leave it alone. MILF(s) of the moment - Catherine Zeta and Kristen Davis

Finishing Move
The Atomic Leg Drop

My Heroes
Ma & Pa Berg, Steve Irwin, Bob Ross, WC Fields, DuffMan, Alf

True story
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Hella-awesome Quotables...
"I paint German artists whom I admire. I paint their pictures, their work as painters, and their portraits too. But oddly enough, each of these portraits ends up as a picture of a woman with blonde hair. I myself have never been able to work out why this happens." -George Baselitz "They took the bar!! The WHOLE, FUCK-ING BAR!!!" -Bluto "Mr. Churchill, you're drunk!" "Yes, and you, Madam, are ugly. But tomorrow, I shall be sober." -Lady Astor and Winston Churchill "Fuck bees" -Dane Cook "Oh yeah, I've been known to drink a beer or two, but then again, I've been known to do a lot of things...well, here's to feeling good all the time." -Cosmo Kramer "The only thing worse than being a guy in his 30s who still plays video games is being a guy in his 30s who still ogles video-game cheerleaders." -Bill Simmons Peter: "Hey Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits! They're saying 'Ooooo!'" Brian: "Peter, those're Cheerios." "Did you ever grow up thinking your dad was Superman, but then you realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape?" -Dave Attell "Yeah?! Well, I'm gonna go build my own theme park! With blackjack! And hookers! In fact, forget the park!" -Bender "Artists have the hearts of explorers, the minds of inventors and the envy of the world." "Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son." -Dean Wormer

Favorite Pick Up Line:
"Can I buy you a drink, or should I just give you the money?"

Good Flicks
For a deeply religious experience, I recommend watching the following, in no particular order... -Animal House -Blues Brothers -Caddyshack -Big Lebowski -Monty Python and the Holy Grail -The Bad News Bears -Swingers -The Jerk -The Three Amigos -Office Space -Stripes -Uncle Buck -Ghostbusters -The Pink Panther movies -Anything by Mel Brooks -Anything with the Marx Bros. -Wayne's World -The Bond flicks -The Odd Couple -Tommy Boy -Back to the Future Trilogy -Indiana Jones Trilogy -Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas -Mallrats -The Naked Gun -Airplane! -A League of Their Own -Super Troopers -Dirty Harry (1-3) -Field of Dreams -LTR Trilogy -Kelly's Heroes -Dirty Dozen -The Great Escape -Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid -Magnificent Seven -The Good, the Bad and the Ugly -Silverado -Cool Hand Luke -Smokey and the Bandit -Napoleon Dynamite -Sin City -Dodgeball -Anchorman -Wedding Crashers -The 40 Year Old Virgin -Spiderman 1 & 2 -Batman Begins -The Incredibles...it lives up to the name -Triplets of Belleville...seriously, watch this movie, it's awesome. Shitty movies (that are in fact awesome) that I could quote til I'm strangled... -Rookie of the Year -Independence Day

What's the plan, then?
Graduate, do some traveling, see the world, find a babe, get married, spawn a merry band of bitty Bergs, and leave my big, greasy mark on the art world...maybe I'll cut off my ear or something... It's gonna be awesome.

Zodiac Sign?
Leo...the Lion, baby. Seems only fitting as both the lion and I are big, furry and like to lay around in the shade until the female brings us a fresh kill. Yep, about right.

Did ya hear the one about...
How can you tell it's time for bed at the Neverland Ranch? ...when the big hand touches the little hand! HAHAHAHAHA, I'm priceless.

Greatest Invention Ever
Plastic lawn flamingos.